Long Distance Telephone wandered the halls, oblivious in his madness to the body of the slightly greenish-haired woman on the floor. "Bromina! Where are you?" He said. Her eyes were open in shock, her lips told of her terrible last words: "Why of course I'll accept the charges . . . . . . . Nooooooo!!!!!!"
Another man materialized behind him. Shorter and pimplier than Long Distance, he was clothed in black, save for the small "Dominoes" logo on his shirt.
"Lord of That Time Of Day When You're Not Really Sure Whether It's Afternoon Or Evening Or What," he said, "I have a large sausage and pepperoni for you."
"Huh?" said Long Distance, who was still sane enough to realize that not only did Dominoes not deliver here, but that Pizza Hut had a copyright on Materializing-Pizza-Guy technology.
"Oh, damn," said the stranger, "I said the pizza thing again."
"Who are you?" asked Long Distance Telephone, still groggy from an exhilarating night of reversing charges.
The stranger drew himself up to his full height of 5 feet, 7&1/2 inches. (His mother had said he would grow. Well, he had sure shown her. He could still hear her screams as he had covered her in Savory Mozzarella and coated her with a fine tomato sauce) "I was once called Edwin Flobert Tegrotenhuis, but now... "
"Pi'izzaman," whispered Long Distance Telephone.
"Yes!" shouted the man. "Pi'izzaman! They gave me that name, just as they made me wait outside for ten minutes and stiffed me on the tip! Just as they named you Gecko! Unlike you, I will strive to make them fear and worship the name of Pi'izzaman! But what will you do with your name, Long Distance? From this day on, men will name you Collect Caller, and fear the deadly ring of the telephone."
Long Distance Telephone stared off into space, aimlessly scratching himself.
"Look at you," said Edwin Flobert. "You once controlled the communication of an entire planet. Once you wore the Ultimate Pager and sat in The Good Chair By The Phone. Once you summoned the Nine Hands-Free Headsets! But now . . . I will have my revenge. You will know the full scope of your defeat. Prepare for pain."
Pi'izzaman placed his hands on Long Distance's head. An incredible amount of energy rippled through his body as Long Distance stood there with a stupid look on his face.
"It doesn't hurt," he said. "I thought you said it was going to hurt."
"Shut up," said Edwin Flobert, kicking Long Distance in the nuts. "It's an emerging technology. It's still not bug-free"
"Owww!" said Long Distance Telephone. When the pain from his crotch receded, he stood up and looked around. His eyes fell on the woman on the floor and he screamed.
"How could you, Pi'izzaman? She always tipped freely!"
"Not me, you idiot!" said Edwin Flobert. "Don't you remember anything?"
Long Distance fixed him with a blank stare.
"Then remember, and know the price of opposing Chaise'lounge!"
Long Distance looked around him and remembered. He remembered his calls to all he knew and loved. Collect calls. Long Distance. They had all died, killed by his own rate hikes and aggressive bill collection policies.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Long Distance, as he ran from the palace. He ran sobbing to a hilltop, where he grabbed one of his own new extra-high voltage lines.
"Bromina! Forgive me!" he cried as billions of volts surged through him. As he died, the ground beneath him rose higher, higher, higher, throwing shadows upon the land and disrupting cellular communication.
Pi'izzaman stood watching, his lips pursed. "Again with the no tipping!" he yelled. "You will not escape so easily. It is not done between us! It will not be done until I get that UPS job!"